Well the last post is not really fun, actually.
In fact it cost me couple minutes of crying.
I do try not to cry in the office but hey,
I'm just an ordinary woman who need to cry when it's needed to.
Luckily, it was lunch time so nobody knows I was crying.
And it ruins not only my heart, but also my eyeliner.

Well, yesterday I found it was too hard to bear alone
So I contacted my friend, let's call her 'Phoenix'
And I messaged her while crying
I told her what had happened, and she gave me a surprise
That she is also suffer the same thing, even her bf told her the same thing Omi told me.

Then, I posted yesterday's post
And to my surprise again, my another friend, PopNote, posted a comment
Telling me that he suffer the same thing too.
He and her gf broke up just few days ago, on her gf birthday.
Same thing ruined their relationship: Less Communication.
It just doesn't make sense for me because he is a very calm person
Well, yeah he is not that talkative, but there is a big difference between 'Ignorant' and 'Calm'! Okay, calm down.

And after those crying thing I did, suddenly my stomach aches so much and making me cried again in pain.
It feels like my stomach stretched so much and like my intestines is going to explode, really hurt
So I go home early from work (to Bekasi again)
And well, the doctor told me that I'm suffering typhus symptoms
Pretty surprised me, but I feel pretty much better with all the medications.

And, not only the typhus symptoms,  my heart also feels much better.
Because the Phoenix told me "Hey girl, where's your frickin' power?! Oh come oooon, You're the Storm of X-Men and I'm the Phoenix! Let's bomb this world if we need to!"
And PopNote texted me, "No! A man should never said such a thing to his girlfriend! It's not acceptable! Be strong, Lev."

Maybe I'm wrong.
Well, even though he's really gonna dump me
I'm not that lonely.
Tons of friends is there for me, right? ;)

To my dearest,
Charlesz Omi Haydenburg.

Hi. Hello. :)
Long time no see, Mi. :)
Yes, long time no see. It is really a long time we haven't see each other.
Every each day passed, I just....
I don't know what to say Mi. I don't know what to write.
I'm trying not to cry here, not in the office. Not now.

How lonely I can be, Mi?
How lonesome I can be?
I am lonely. For a fucking two and a half year I am lonely. And then you come.
There gone the loneliness.
But how come, Mi.
How come the loneliness come back and haunting me, again?

Understanding.
Our very first rule in this relationship. And you know how much I love this relationship.
Both of us trying to understand each other business, trying to understand that;
"Dear, I am so busy right now. Please understand."
Yes, we did it Mi.
We did.
Until now.

I know we're both tired Mi.
We're both sick of trying to understand.
Or is it just me?
How lonely I could be, Omi?

The moment we talked for 2 hours back on the phone.
The moment when we agreed that, "We may break up. But if we destined to be,
Then there we'll be back together, again."
Is it time, Mi?
Is it our time to stop?

Funny, Mi.
It's funny when we think about what will happen if we do break up.
When I said "maybe I will not involve myself into a relationship again for a long time."
It's a fact.
It can easily come true.

But when you say "Me too."
It is just a total lie, Mi.
It's a bullshit.
It cannot come fucking true.

I mean, every time we hang out together
There's something, deep inside
Deep in my heart telling me.
"I don't deserve to be with this man."
"He is perfect. So perfect."
"Too perfect for a girl like me."
"I don't deserve to be with him. At all."

What do I have Mi? What do I own??
Nothing, Mi. Nothing.
Personality? I'm damn selfish. Moody. Easily angry.
Good looks? Haha. I know I'm ugly Mi. I AM.
I have nothing.
Compared to you, I just don't fit.
I don't fit in to be your girlfriend.

And why, why your words cannot come true?
Oh God in heaven. Everyone knows you can get another, better, girl in just few hours if you want to.

Back to the time when you said, when I told you I'm not attractive enough for boys,
"Best apples is placed on the top of the tree.
The one who can get the best apple must have courage
Courage to climb, to fall, to try again
Then, then the one can have the best apple.
Best apples placed so high,
Unlike any other bad apples which placed so down low,
So easy to take, and so easy also to dump."

Even the best apple, if they wait for too long.
They will rot, Mi.

And I'm not even a best apple.
I'm just an apple which falls to the ground
Buried beneath old, died leaves.

When my friends saw your photo
When they said "hey, he dated you to cover up his real relationship with other girl"
I know they're joking. (or maybe they are not?)
I'll laugh. Yes, I laughed such a joke.
But deep inside.
It hurts me so bad.
It scars me deeply.

To think how I DON'T deserves you
And how you deserve a better, even better girl
It just ruin me, Mi.
It kills me. Every time.

I'm sorry.
I am so, so sorry.


Deepest love,
Levi.